Some days
are bad days. The pain is overwhelming, pounding in my head and exhausting my
whole body. Every breath seems to be a challenge, and getting out of bed only
happens by sheer willpower – because my family needs me. I repeat phrases to
myself to try and battle the darkness that engulfs my mind:
God has a purpose. He sees the whole picture, and He knows the good that will come from my current suffering.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. (Deep breaths! Don’t trigger the asthma too.)
A sick Mommy is better than no Mommy.
God has a purpose. He sees the whole picture, and He knows the good that will come from my current suffering.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. (Deep breaths! Don’t trigger the asthma too.)
A sick Mommy is better than no Mommy.
And somehow
I cope through those days. I wish I could say they don’t happen very often; I
am thankful that they are happening less.
There were about
eight days in a row around Christmas that were very dark. I am blessed that
Alex had time off and was able to have fun with the girls and allow me time to
lay down – although that helps the headache minimally, at least I can zone out
and try to escape into sleep.
That period
of darkness began to break its hold when Alex began helping me to identify the
pain (location, color, shape, boundaries) and to imagine my mental safe place
that distances me from the pain. He holds my hand, wipes away my tears and
lovingly talks to me. He gently strokes my head, talking about wiping away the
pain and filling it with love: his love and God’s love for me.
And slowly
the darkness dissolved.
The headache
is still there, but God’s grace and Alex’s hands are helping me to find my
smile without so much struggle, to see the rays of joy in our daily lives, and
to find a new balance in our life. We are praying and discussing ways for me to
return to living. I no longer want to keep waiting to get better before I
return to things... I do not want to return to who I was – I have learned a lot
about pacing, the hurts of hurrying, the joy of small moments, and the love in
the comforts of our home – but I do want to feel like I have a life, doing
things I enjoy... so we continue to pray and attempt to find our family’s
balance.
...
I will try
to write again soon. A lot of positive things have happened (no, the headache
has not been miraculously lifted... yet) and I want to share them with you!
However, today is a 9/10 headache day and Alex came home early from work to
take care of the girls so I could rest... and after writing this much, I need to
lay back down.
Thank you
for your prayers, love and encouragement!
